Not an easy admission

Yesterday was a real doosy of a day for me. Jab went into work for the early shift so I was looking forward to spending an evening with him and the children, then some intimacy time with him (and no, not just sex, there's so much more to intimacy). So I call Jab up to find out the time he's going to be home and I also had a few things that I needed from the store.

He told me he was scheduled to get off at 3 and my heart just flew because we were going to have a very long afternoon & evening together. However, he then informed me that he was going to Lake Charles (about 1 1/2 hours away) to meet some of his internet gaming buddies (cribbage, euchre, pinocle, etc). He said he had told me over a week ago, but that was not how I remembered it.

I remember him mentioning that he was thinking about going, but we did not have time to talk about it at that moment because of some interference with the kids. We both forgot to bring the subject back up later. I remember at the time, that I was thinking that it would be great for us to go on a little excursion together and thinking who could I get to watch the kids. I have met with internet friends--Sabine & twins (twice), Amy & Rob & their twins, Eric & Laura and their twins--but each time I met them in VERY public places WITH all 5 of my children.

Anyway, after he surprised me with the fact that he was going, my heart just sank and I'm not very good with surprises so I didn't take it very well. I got hot and angry quite quickly and after about 10 seconds I hung up on him. I don't like to have an argument with my husband on phone while he's at work. It's just not professional. So I'm steaming mad and in the middle of making a late lunch for hungry kids.

In recent times, I would have started to take my anger out on my kids for any little infraction. But this is something that I've been trying (with God's help) to stop. So I told Cynthia that I was not very happy and that I needed her to take the kids back to the bedroom while I finished up lunch so that I wouldn't get upset with them whining about when lunch was going to be ready. Then I thought of Sandi because I knew she'd be on AIM as our children have very similar schedules. I asked if I could vent and she was accommadating.

So I hashed out all my gripes and complaints. First, he was going; second, he was going without me; third, I had no idea of what his plans were. I didn't know who he was meeting, where they were meeting, when he was going to be back home. AND I know when he gets together with a bunch of guys that its a normal thing for him to want to have a drink. I don't have anything against drinking alcohol, but I didn't want him to drive back inebriated. Sandi asked if maybe I could spend the evening with my Mom. She wasn't available, but my SIL was.

Come to find out, Jab called her yesterday to borrow their vehicle. The air is out in the truck and our suburban needs some repair. My SIL suggested that she could watch the kids and I could go with Jaba, so, YEAH, I was excited, my original thoughts when Jab first brought the meeting up was going to happen!!! I get myself dressed up for going out and the kids packed up to spend the night at my SIL's, she picks us up and we're off to meet Jab at her house.

But then my excitement is dashed to smithereens when Jaba informs me that he wanted to go alone and that he hadn't planned on bringing me. I was so upset and disappointed. It still upsets me as is evident from my watery eyes. However, after about 20 minutes of my brooding and self-pity, I tell Jaba to go ahead and go because if I didn't we would just have a sad evening of both of us resenting each other and I didn't want that. He promised that he wouldn't drink and told me he'd be home by 11.

I am so thankful for Sandi being there for me and most thankful for her suggestion of spending an evening out of the house with someone. Even when it rolled around to 12:15am and no Jaba, I did not get worried, angry or upset because I wasn't home alone (well not alone, but I would have been the only one left awake as the kids would have been in bed). Jab did call at 12:30 and said he was about 30 minutes out but that there was an accident and traffic had backed up. So he gets to SIL's house. The kids wake up because the dogs barked, we all load up and go home. I wasn't sullen, mad or angry, I was just relieved to have my husband home safely. I was relieved that I gave in and gave Jaba my trust to be faithful to his promises.

Oh, and btw, I've never kept this blog hidden from my husband, but I am certainly going to make sure that he reads this one so that he will understand my thought process through yesterday. It's hard for me to convey my thoughts and emotions verbally, but most of the time when I write them down they become a complete picture. So, Jaba, I'm sorry. Please forgive me for my reaction. I love you.